September 23, 2008

• Did That Really Just Happen to Me?

  We found out we were pregnant 10 days ago. At first we were so shocked, so much so that we both were in tears. We were scared because our finances are still so unstable, but so incredibly excited that I even got pregnant. We started working out together a month before, so as a result I lost 10 pounds and my periods were becoming even more regular. This was a great sign but we weren't trying to get pregnant, so the pregnancy was a huge surprise.

  Immediately we told my parents and they shocked me. They were so happy, especially Dad. I could barely make out the admission (choking back tears) but Mom knew right away. She told me to not lift heavy things and to be careful about what I eat. Dad and Mom talked to Oppa for a bit and then they hung up. My parents are much more confidant in us than we are in ourselves. I'm glad though at least they didn't yell at us or make us feel like we were irresponsible. I think that's what I would have done if I were them. Thank God for their grace and encouragement. *sigh*

  Right away I started to look for a OB/GYN and was able to get an appt within a few days. The first appointment was disappointing as they thought I was only about 2-3 weeks pregnant, so it was too early to see a fetus. The doctor asked me to come back to track my hormone levels for the following week. 

  So that's what I did, all the while my heart and mind started to focus on the reality of our lives drastically changing and our family going from the 2 of us to 3 of us. I was so scared but it's funny how my heart totally changed. I started loving this little creature inside of me so quickly and started to eat better, exercise regularly and avoid cigarette smoke. 

  My prayers became totally focused on this creature and the love for this being grew each day. 

  Then yesterday I felt sharp cramps and started spotting, so I decided to call my obgyn. My appt this morning confirmed that I had miscarried and that the little creature was leaving my body. 

  The sadness and crying was so deep that I surprised myself and oppa. How could I get so attached to something so quickly and feel so much loss by its departure when I didn't even meet him or her yet? 

  Now I look back and wonder what was the point of these past 10 days? The whirlwind emotions, fear, love, loss...

  I still don't know. But I don't think my life will ever be the same. I don't think I can be normal ever again. This one is going to take some time.

  • 10:30 pm
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