I started this blog 3 years ago as I personal journal of sorts to document my journey in becoming a mother.

PCOS and a miscarriage for derailed the journey, but now after almost 6 years of marriage and 3 years of TTC, my husband and I are pregnant again. We’re due this Christmas!

I’ve made several of my old private posts public recently but also thought I’d share that I often contribute to Momaroo.com. 

Here’s link to the posts I’ve written there:

http://www.momaroo.com/contributors/babydreams-xanga/

Thanks so much for reading my posts and for joining me on this new journey!

We found out we were pregnant 10 days ago. At first we were so shocked, so much so that we both were in tears. We were scared because our finances are still so unstable, but so incredibly excited that I even got pregnant. We started working out together a month before, so as a result I lost 10 pounds and my periods were becoming even more regular. This was a great sign but we weren’t trying to get pregnant, so the pregnancy was a huge surprise.

Immediately we told my parents and they shocked me. They were so happy, especially Dad. I could barely make out the admission (choking back tears) but Mom knew right away. She told me to not lift heavy things and to be careful about what I eat. Dad and Mom talked to Oppa for a bit and then they hung up. My parents are much more confidant in us than we are in ourselves. I’m glad though at least they didn’t yell at us or make us feel like we were irresponsible. I think that’s what I would have done if I were them. Thank God for their grace and encouragement. *sigh*

Right away I started to look for a OB/GYN and was able to get an appt within a few days. The first appointment was disappointing as they thought I was only about 2-3 weeks pregnant, so it was too early to see a fetus. The doctor asked me to come back to track my hormone levels for the following week. 

So that’s what I did, all the while my heart and mind started to focus on the reality of our lives drastically changing and our family going from the 2 of us to 3 of us. I was so scared but it’s funny how my heart totally changed. I started loving this little creature inside of me so quickly and started to eat better, exercise regularly and avoid cigarette smoke. 

My prayers became totally focused on this creature and the love for this being grew each day. 

Then yesterday I felt sharp cramps and started spotting, so I decided to call my obgyn. My appt this morning confirmed that I had miscarried and that the little creature was leaving my body. 

The sadness and crying was so deep that I surprised myself and oppa. How could I get so attached to something so quickly and feel so much loss by its departure when I didn’t even meet him or her yet? 

Now I look back and wonder what was the point of these past 10 days? The whirlwind emotions, fear, love, loss…

I still don’t know. But I don’t think my life will ever be the same. I don’t think I can be normal ever again. This one is going to take some time.

I’ve been trying to handle my PCOS as naturally as I can -without crazy drugs and in a time frame I feel comfortable with.

When I first found out I had PCOS I weighed about 195 pounds (the peak of my weight). I gained so much weight because of a stressful move, job hunt and also because of poor eating habits. 

The metformin I was prescribed helped but I knew if I wanted to see lasting results I needed to change my lifestyle and lose some weight. Also, because I no longer had health insurance (because I didn’t have a full time job) I knew that I couldn’t just rely on medicine to jump start my period each month.

Last year, I slowly started incorporating exercise back into my life. I walked a few times a week with a good friend in the neighborhood and also started to cook healthier meals at home. 

Also, my attitude started to change about the stress in my life. I definitely think that gaining some perspective on our financial situation and also learning how to trust more in God has really allowed me to find more freedom and hope in my life.

Slowly, my menstrual cycle is getting more regular and I’m getting my period more frequently. I also think the move into Manhattan has really helped my lifestyle too.

I’m a lot more active here than I was in NJ.

It’s sort of strange to think that I’m working out and watching what I eat -basically trying to lose weight to have a baby.

But I know that in the long run this is the best solution for me.

It felt so real.

I dreamed I delivered a healthy baby girl. The doctor gave the baby to Oppa to hold and admire. Then Oppa handed me our baby and immediately before I could see her face I woke up and realized it was all a dream.

I felt so much disappointment and sadness when I realized the baby wasn’t real…

I’m surprised by how deeply disappointed I feel. Our financial situation prohibits me from wanting to even try to have a baby but in my heart I know that I would happily welcome a child into our family. 

That battle within me (finances vs. desire to have a child) feels so awful and leaves me wondering what are my true feelings and desires and which one should win out.

*sigh* The dream felt so real…

To be honest the greatest concern I have with having kids is the cost of having children. I hate to admit it but I worry about money and the expense of children. 

Anyone else worry about this?

The sad thing is I know that money doesn’t bring happiness nor guarantee healthy kids or even a great childhood. I grew up with very few material things, and my family always struggled with finances throughout my childhood. However, when I think back I always had enough food to eat, clothes on my back and a roof over my head. My childhood is filled with wonderful memories, and I love my family so much.

Shouldn’t that be enough? 

I’m really just blogging through my own insecurities and the questions in my head here. I thought after 3 years of marriage I would feel better about my financial situation and feel more ready to have kids but sadly I don’t, and I know my husband doesn’t either. 

We visited our good friends Julia and Jeff at home a week after their baby Kayla was born.

Seeing Julia with Kayla made me realize how beautiful, pure and instinctual a mother and child’s relationship is. I suddenly felt this reverence for Julia as she picked up Kayla and craddled her into her arms and then carefully started to breastfeed her hungry baby. At that moment I realized Julia was a mom.

On the way home I felt this odd ache in my heart. I started to think about what I was feeling and knew that it was the physical response to seeing Kayla and Julia. I knew then that my body yearned to carry a child one day. I felt so sure in my heart that I was meant to be a mom. Not  today or this year but  one day soon. Every cell in my body felt like it was touched by baby Kayla.

I got married in 2005. So now that it’s been about 2.5 years since we got married everyone asks us “when are you going to have kids?” While I don’t think there is a magic age or number of years you should be with someone before you have kids, I do know that for my husband and I wanted to wait awhile. We talked about it before we got married and thought we should wait at least 3-4 years before having kids because we were both pretty young when we got married and financially unstable. We wanted to start careers and travel around the world before starting a family.

It’s a good thing I wasn’t planning on trying to have a baby right away. Right after we got married, I noticed that my period disappeared. By disappear I mean that my monthly visitor decided not to come anymore. Immediately I thought I could be pregnant.

After two weeks with no period (mine were always a little irregular so at first I thought maybe because of stress I was late) I went out and got a pregnancy test. The result was negative so I thought I just needed another couple of days and my period would come.

Then after a month with no period and 3 negative pregnancy tests I began to worry why my period wasn’t coming. I scheduled an appointment to see my doctor and after several more appointments and tests, including another pregnancy test, full blood work and a glucose test, it turned out I had polycystic ovary syndrome or PCOS.

My doctor gave me some handouts and I did some research online about PCOS. I was relieved to find out this wasn’t a fatal disease but I was very surprised to find out that this is something I’ve had for a long time probably since I was in my early teens. For those who don’t know what PCOS is here is some info:

What is PCOS?

Polycystic (pah-lee-SIS-tik) ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a health problem that can affect a woman’s menstrual cycle, ability to have children, hormones, heart, blood vessels, and appearance. With PCOS, women typically have:

• high levels of androgens (AN-druh-junz). These are sometimes called male hormones, although females also make them.
• missed or irregular periods
• many small cysts (sists) in their ovaries. Cysts are fluid-filled sacs.

Finding out I had PCOS also shed a lot of light on some of the strange quirks about my body that I’ve struggled with for years. I highlighted the symptons that I have below.

What are the symptoms of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)?

Not all women with PCOS share the same symptoms. These are some of the symptoms of PCOS (the highlighted symptoms are the ones I experience):

• infrequent menstrual periods, no menstrual periods, and/or irregular bleeding
• infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating
• increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes—a condition called hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um)
• ovarian cysts
• acne, oily skin, or dandruff
• weight gain or obesity, usually carrying extra weight around the waist
• insulin resistance or type 2 diabetes
• high cholesterol
• high blood pressure
• male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
• patches of thickened and dark brown or black skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs
• skin tags, or tiny excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
• pelvic pain
• anxiety or depression due to appearance and/or infertility
• sleep apnea—excessive snoring and times when breathing stops while asleep

Reading the literature I received, I found out that PCOS is the most common cause for infertility.  While 3 years ago that didn’t bother me so much, now that I think about wanting to pregnant in the future I realize that this can be a real problem.  I’ve been on Metformin since my diagnosis and it’s always jumpstarted by cycle. In the beginning I would go 3 or 4 months without a period but every year the time between periods is shorter and shorter. Lately my cycle is about 35-40 days long. Which is a huge improvement.

However, I know that I’m not out of the clear. I know that there is a good chance of experiencing fertility problems when we start trying to have kids. Some people think because there is a chance of this happening we should just go ahead and start trying now but part of me believes that when the time is right the time is right and we shouldn’t try and force things just because of what if.

I’m a twenty-something, happily-married gal. I’m an office manager by day and a foodie/blogger/couch potato at night.  I decided to start this blog because I want to document my journey to motherhood. I’m not pregnant and I don’t plan on getting pregnant anytime soon (my definition of soon changes everyday)  but my interest in pregnancy, babies and motherhood has recently been piqued. Maybe it’s because of my age and place in life or maybe because a close friend recently had a baby, I’m not sure. But one thing’s for certain- I have babies on the brain.

I hope to learn much from other soon-to-be (or eventually-to-be) and veteran moms and also want to share my experiences on this journey as well. Please feel free to subscribe to me and I will do the same. Thanks!